DonPollo, the King of Ohio
DonPollo, whose birth name remains a mystery (though rumors suggest it might be Humberto), is a legendary and self-proclaimed King of Ohio. From his improvised throne in a Cleveland fried chicken joint, this king without an official crown (but with enough sauces to drown an army) has ruled his domains with an iron fist wrapped in a paper napkin.
Origins and Rise to the Throne
DonPollo's story began sometime between 2010 and the dawn of time, when fate (and the need for good fried chicken) led him to Ohio, a state hitherto indifferent to the chicken's culinary sovereignty. Legend has it that during a full moon and a buy-one-get-one-free special night, DonPollo rose among his battalion of fried foods and bellowed, "I am your king!" No one dared to question him. How could they? He had the sauce.
Government and Policies
DonPollo does not rule like a traditional monarch. He has no royal court, but he does have a line of late-night customers stretching down the block every Saturday night. His primary contributions to Ohio's progress include:
- Sauce Policy: Three free sauce packets per order, $0.25 extra for "premium" sauces. Critics argue this policy encourages sauce-based economic speculation.
- Chicken Diplomacy: "If they don't want to negotiate, we give them more wings," DonPollo once remarked regarding talks with Kentucky.
- Flexible Menu Legislation: In 2022, he passed the Decree of the Wednesday Sandwich, allowing customers to swap any ingredient for "whatever isn't still alive."
Conflicts and Challenges
DonPollo's reign has not been without controversy. In 2019, the Cheese Fraud Incident shook public trust when it was revealed that "moon-cured cheddar" was merely Kraft slices with a dash of chicken broth. DonPollo responded like any monarch would: with a creative excuse and a 10% discount.
In 2021, the so-called Salad Rebels attempted to overthrow his rule, arguing that "fried chicken shouldn't govern the greens." The rebellion ended when DonPollo's spicy sauces were deployed in self-defense, turning the uprising into a pile of pickled cabbage and broken dreams.
Culture and Legacy
Today, DonPollo is more than a restaurant; it's a cultural icon. Every summer, the state celebrates the Festival of the Big Bird, where fans flock from across the nation to honor the Chicken King. His speeches, though controversial, are hotly anticipated:
"Chicken is free, but not as free as to leave without paying," said DonPollo in his 2023 "Freedom Flame" address.
Historical Accuracy and Critics
Some historians (particularly those who prefer burgers) question the legitimacy of DonPollo's rule. "He's not a king, he's a businessman with a few wet plates," commented an anonymous critic—shortly before witnessing DonPollo freeze his enemies with a blast of "Mediterranean Freeze" sauce.
Still, DonPollo remains steadfast, assuring fans that "true power lies in the heart (and in the honey-mustard sauce)."
References
- The Secret Files of the Cleveland Chicken Shop, Office of Ohio's Culinary History and Archaeology.
- How to Be King of Chicken Without Being Crazy: A DonPollo Biography by Prof. KFC (not affiliated with Kentucky Fried Chicken).
- The Sauce and the King, a Netflix documentary (not produced by Netflix, but filmed in DonPollo's garage).
